Boundaries are those invisible lines you place around yourself so people know the limits of what they can say and do around you. Make your boundaries too solid and you build walls, too weak and you allow others’ actions to harm you. Either extreme creates stress for you and those around you. Take a few minutes to answer these questions to help you find out how healthy your boundaries are:
1: I start statements with “I” rather than “you” or “we.” This lets me own what I say. “I” is less defensive than “you” and more accurate than “we.” True/False
2: My boundaries are specific and clear. “I don’t accept phone calls after 10 p.m.,” rather than the vague and mushy, “Don’t call me too late.” True/False
3: I’m consistent when I create boundaries. If I say “no phone calls after 10 p.m.,” I don’t make exceptions unless the situation is exceptional. True/False
4: When people attempt to cross my boundaries, I don’t assume the worst (they don’t care, they weren’t paying attention, they’re selfish and inconsiderate); I simply restate my position. True/False
5: As soon as I realize I’m in a situation that might be headed for trouble, I announce my boundary, “I won’t continue talking with you if you raise your voice at me.” True/False
6: I try to avoid situations and people where I know my boundaries will be continually tested. True/False
7: I don’t take responsibility for how others respond to my boundaries. If someone feels resentment because I didn’t wait when she was twenty minutes late for our appointment, I don’t try to make it okay for her. True/False
8: I respect others’ boundaries and ask for clarification when I’m not certain of limits. “May I talk to you about business after hours?” True/False
9: When people refuse to respect my boundaries, I walk away rather than get into a situation that could escalate. I say why I’m leaving. True/False
10: I let people know when I have reconsidered a boundary. “It used to be okay for you to be late, but now…” True/False
11: I believe that everyone has to create his or her own boundaries. What’s okay for me might not work for someone else. True/False
Boundaries consistently maintained can help make life less stressful by reducing conflict and improving relationships. Plus, they’re a real self-esteem booster. If you answered “True” to fewer than six of these questions, learning to set healthier boundaries would go a long way to helping you reduce your stress. Set up a 60-minute complimentary coaching session to explore how life coaching can help you provide the relief you seek.
