The Power of Play

The Power of PlayIf it feels like you have less leisure time and fewer unstructured “play” hours in your life, you’re not alone. Consider these statistics: 

  • The average married couple works 26 percent longer each year than similar working couples did thirty years ago. 
  • Leisure time among children ages 12 and under has declined from 40 percent of a child’s day in 1981 to 25 percent of a child’s day in 1997, and about one in four American adults reports no leisure-time physical activity. 
  • A landmark Surgeon General’s Report identified lack of physical activity, including during leisure, as a serious health threat in the U.S. 

The late A. Bartlett Giamatti, former president of Yale University and one-time commissioner of Major League Baseball said, “You can learn more about a society by observing the way they play as opposed to how they work.” 

Our high tech life with its accelerated pace has fostered a culture that seems to be always working, always rushed, always connected. With cell phones interrupting the theater, laptop computers at the beach, internet connections at every other café and home offices that beckon us all hours of the night and day, it’s hard to separate “play” from “work.” Yet to maintain balance in our lives, and for our ultimate well-being, play is important. Lenore Terr, a psychiatrist at the University of California, San Francisco, and author of Beyond Love and Work: Why Adults Need to Play, argues that play is crucial at every stage of life. In play, we discover pleasure, cultivate feelings of accomplishment, and acquire a sense of belonging. When we play, we learn and mature and find an outlet for stress. “Play is a lost key,” Terr writes. “It unlocks the door to ourselves.” 

When we are completely involved in play our cares and worries disappear. Sailing, playing a game of tennis, or being thoroughly engrossed in a good novel, we feel pleasurably alive and light-hearted. Play allows us to be present in the moment. 

If you feel like you don’t have enough play time in your life (and who doesn’t), try these suggestions: 

1: Turn-off. Turn off the television, computer, beeper and cell phone for at least two hours a day. 

2: Let your mind wander. Recall what you used to enjoy doing or what you always wanted to do before we became so technology-oriented. 

3: Include others. Invite someone over to play, just like you used to when you were a kid. Nothing planned, nothing structured. Let your play evolve naturally. 

4: Think physical. Go for a walk, ride your bike, rent some skates, break out the croquet set from the basement, go for a swim or a run. 

5: Pretend. Pretend you don’t have any cares or worries. Pretend you have all the time in the world to laugh and play and enjoy. Pretend there is no moment other than this. 

Any time you have the choice of whether to work “just one more hour” or give yourself over to play, remember this advice from Ralph Waldo Emerson, “This time, like all times, is a very good one, if we but know what to do with it.” 

Author’s content adapted under license, © 2008 Claire Communications
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Say Goodbye to Shoulda, Coulda, Woulda

Have you ever caught yourself thinking, “If only I could have done that differently?”

This second guessing is a form of self-imposed stress.  It happens when our self talk is full of should, could or would. “If I were good sister, I would have called my sister last night. If I were a good Mom,  I would have studied with my daughter today. If I were a good spouse,  I wouldn’t have become impatient with my spouse. If I were a good boss, I wouldn’t have been so critical just now.” Funny how “good” rhymes with should, could and would.

Self-imposed stress can be the most debilitating of all. The enemy within, it saps us of energy, deflates our ego and causes our self-esteem to plummet.

Remember, nobody is capable of giving 100 percent, 100 percent of the time.  It’s not humanly possible.  We can only do our best in each moment, not someone else’s best, and accept that we won’t meet everyone’s expectations, including our own, all of the time.

Here’s the real opportunity, a little known fact.  Those never-ending critical voices that swirl around in our heads are really only interested in helping us be “good” at one thing. They are called Gremlins and their prime objective, hard as it may be to believe, is to keep us safe by keeping us small. 

 These unwitting saboteurs perch on our shoulders and shout into our ears things such as, “A good friend should have . . .” or “A good employee could have . . .” or “A good spouse would have . . .” Contrary to appearances, Gremlins are actually misguided allies trying to protect us. Though their tactics are sneaky and complex, there are sure-fire ways to convert them from our biggest saboteurs to our greatest allies.  We’ll explore the complete multi-step Gremlin conversion process in future blogs, meanwhile, you can start making inroads with this simple first step.

Laugh.  The next time your Gremlin shows up, acknowledge his presence, and laugh.  Tell her there’s no room in the inn.  Nothing takes the wind out of the sails of a bully like being laughed at.  So, go on, laugh yourself silly. 

The next time, and every time, the voices of ‘shoulda’, ‘coulda’, ‘woulda’ come to call, laugh, thank them for the entertainment and invite them to invest in a more constructive way to contribute to your life.

© Copyright 2012 DJW Life Coach LLC. All rights reserved.
Posted in All My Blog Posts, Curiosity, Respect & Compassion, Intuition & Intention, Stress, Perfectionism & Burnout | Tagged , , , , , , , , , , , , | Leave a comment

Lead by Example

Good leaders lead by example. By aligning their actions with what they say, they become a person others want to follow. When leaders say one thing but do another, they create confusion and stress.  More important, they erode trust, a critical element of productive endeavors. You don’t have to be the “Boss” to be a leader.  Here are just 10 of the dozens of ways anyone can lead by example:

1: Take responsibility. Blame costs you credibility, keeps team members on the defensive and ultimately sabotages real growth.

2: Be truthful. Inaccurate representation affects everyone. Show that honesty really IS the best policy.

3: Be courageous. Be the first one to walk through the “fire” or crisis. Take calculated risks that demonstrate commitment to a larger purpose.

4: Acknowledge failure. It makes it OK for your teammates to do the same and defines setting stretch goals and sometimes failing as a key element in the process of becoming extraordinary.

5: Be persistent. Try, try again. Go over, under or around any hurdles to show that obstacles don’t define you or your team.

6: Create solutions. Don’t dwell on problems; instead see everything as an opportunity and be the first to offer solutions and then invite more from your team.

7: Listen. Ask questions. Seek to understand. You’ll receive valuable insights and set a tone that encourages healthy dialogue.

8: Collaborate freely and delegate liberally. Promote an atmosphere in which people join forces to leverage their individual core strengths.

9: Take care of yourself. Exercise, don’t overwork, take a break. A balanced team, mentally and physically, is a successful team. Model it, encourage it, support it!

10: Roll up your sleeves. Demonstrate the depth of your own commitment and you’ll inspire greatness in others.

Author’s content adapted under license, © 2011 Claire Communications
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Relationship Stress From Unclear Expectations

One common cause of relationship stress is unclear expectations.  The best solution for this dilemma is clear communication.  So how do you have a productive conversation about expectations with your partner, friend, boss or  colleague?

Begin with a conversation opener such as:  “I’m not sure I understand your expectations for this situation.  I’d like to do my part to deliver a result we’ll both feel good about.  Here are my thoughts.  (Share using neutrally phrased “I statements”.)

Then, ask, “What are your thoughts?”

This next step is essential: really listen to the response.  Listen to understand, not reload.  If you are not ready to listen, then you are not ready to have the conversation.  Make sure your heart and mind are open to collaboration and that you are seeking a true win-win outcome, not a strong-armed capitulation.

Finally, check that you understand what was conveyed.  You might say, “So it sounds like you would like to ____________.  Is that correct?”  Continue asking clarifying questions and reflecting back what you have heard until you have reached a mutual understanding.

Honing the life skill of open, clear communication will reduce your overall stress dramatically.  By listening deeply and communicating clearly, you will be trusted, respected and valued as a friend, colleague and partner.

© Copyright 2012 DJW Life Coach LLC. All rights reserved.
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Authenticity: Limiting the Impact of Stress on Your Relationships

Have you ever been guilty of taking your stress out on a friend or co-worker?  Has a loved one been able to sense your stress at the end of the day before you even get through the door?

It’s quite common for stress from one area of your life to seep into other areas.  Next time stress in one area of your life threatens to put other relationships at risk, try a “pre-emptive strike.”  Before your frustration starts to bubble over, have an honest talk with the people closest to you.  Let them know that you are facing a stressful period.  Reassure them that it is not about them, but about another issue you’re facing.  The conversation may go something like this:

“I’m anticipating a lot of stress over the next two weeks at work.  My boss has asked me to complete a project on a short deadline, and I’m working with a colleague that is difficult for me to get along with.  I may be grumpier than normal, but I want you to know it’s not about you.  While I’ll try not to bring my stress home and take it out on you, you may see the stress on my face and hear it in my voice.  I really appreciate your extra patience and understanding during this time.”

These words can help any relationship navigate more smoothly through stressful times.  Acknowledging what’s happening and clarifying the cause, in advance, will yield a number of advantages.  You’ll be more conscious of your own stress and more able to manage unintentionally inflicting it on others.  You will experience your friends and family as allies rather than turning them into additional adversaries by mistreating them.  In stressful times we need all the allies we can get.  Supportive partners always lighten the load.

© Copyright 2012 DJW Life Coach LLC. All rights reserved.
Posted in All My Blog Posts, Authenticity & Purpose, Curiosity, Respect & Compassion, Relationships, Boundaries & Belonging, Stress, Perfectionism & Burnout | Tagged , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , | Leave a comment

Being Assertive Without Damaging Your Relationships

Asking for what you want—and setting boundaries around what you don’t want—is a key life skill.  But sometimes in our enthusiasm to practice this skill, we over-do our own assertiveness and end up with a partner who shuts down, gets angry or feels resentful.  Here are four tips for expressing your assertiveness in a way that will actually strengthen, deepen and enrich your relationship—thus avoiding the “alienation trap”:

1:  Get Clear.  Being assertive starts with knowing what you are—and aren’t—willing to be, do or have.  For many of us, coming to this knowledge is a real task unto itself.  Here, it may be useful to ask: “In an ideal world, what would I like to have happen?”  Focusing on an ideal outcome opens our minds, prevents us from falling into passivity or “victim-thinking,” and helps us get really clear on what we want and don’t want.

2: Set Healthy Boundaries.  Once you know what outcome you want, share it with your partner.  Pay attention to the way stating your boundary feels in your body.  With practice, you can actually sense when you’re hitting the “sweet spot.”  It can feel really pleasurable, even exhilarating, to express your desires clearly out loud.  Phrases like “such and such doesn’t work for me” are simple ways of being assertive while maintaining connection with your partner.

3: Make a Regular Habit of Stating Your Desires.  You can build your assertiveness the same way you build any muscle: exercise.  Practice speaking up about your desires, big or small, on a daily basis.  When you speak up about things that are less controversial—such as where to go to dinner, requesting help unloading the dishwasher or what TV program to watch—both you and your partner get used to your assertiveness.  It becomes easier for you to practice and for your partner to hear.  Also, when bigger issues come along, you and your partner will have a healthy process in place for dealing with differences in needs, and you’ll have greater confidence in the resilience of your relationship.

4: Give as Much as You Get.  Assertiveness is a two-way street.  If you want your boundaries to be respected, you must return the courtesy to your partner.  If he doesn’t want you to use the bathroom when he’s in the shower, don’t.  If she asks you to give her a half an hour after work before you talk and connect, respect that.  When it comes to following through on a partner’s reasonable request, actions really do speak louder than words. 

If you and your partner are having difficulty respecting each others’ boundaries, even though you’ve both set them clearly, working with a coach might be just the thing to help your relationship become a more constructive, collaborative partnership.

Author’s content adapted under license, © 2011 Claire Communications
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10 Practices for Reducing Stress

From the regular, ongoing stress that comes from living in a complex, high-impact culture to specific life events that knock us for a loop, when the negative effects of non-stop stress accumulate, they damage our health physically, mentally, emotionally and spiritually.  Paying attention and recognizing when we hit stress “hot spots” is the essential first step.  The second step is to take action to reduce and better manage stress.  The following are simple daily practices to help you maintain balance and get back to well-being at particularly stressful times.

1: Breathe.  Deeply. Especially when you find yourself irritable or angry.

2: Find stillness.  Your bedroom, a park bench, your car—where you can be quiet and restful.  Go there when you need to.  Meditate.

3: Relax.  Take a bath, nap or shower.  Sit in the sun or shade.  Get a massage.  Do nothing.

4: Watch what you eat.  Don’t over or under eat; drink water; eat fruits and veggies.  Easy on the sugar, caffeine, fatty foods and alcohol.

5: Get it out.  Talk to trusted friends, a coach or counselor.  Write in a journal.  Pound a pillow.

6: Say no.  Remember the Lesson of the Oxygen Mask.  If you don’t take care of yourself first, you’ll have no well to draw from for helping others.

7: Get physical.  Exercise, walk, play a game, dance, sing, garden.

8: Try something new.  Change your perspective with new people, new ideas, new activities, new beliefs.

9: Smile and laugh out loud.  Force it at first, if necessary.  It’s impossible to stay negative or burdened with a grin on your face.

10: Have fun.  Don’t forget to take time to play, be creative and do things that nourish your soul.

Author’s content adapted under license, © 2008 Claire Communications
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How Well Do You Manage Your Energy?

When relentless demands of a busy life take their toll on performance, we tend to think that managing our time better will improve the situation. If we can just work faster, multitask more efficiently, things will be better, we think, as we buy the latest time management gadget or software.

However, as Jim Loehr and Tony Schwartz, authors of The Power of Full Engagement, explain, it is the skillful management of energy, not time, that most significantly affects high performance. Too often, we squander this valuable resource through energy-taxing habits—physical, mental, emotional and spiritual vitality drains.

Take this Quiz to identify your personal energy-enriching opportunities:

1: I rely on sugary or carbohydrate-rich snacks for bursts of energy when I need a pick-me-up. True/False

2: Life is an endless marathon to be endured; you just have to keep on running. True/False

3: I tend to do what feels immediately pressing and easier to accomplish rather than make conscious choices about how I invest my time and what matters most. True/False

4: I’m so busy I rarely have time to reflect on what I value most deeply. True/False

5: I seem to be stuck in overdrive; I feel like I’ve lost the ability to shift to any other gear. True/False

6: I do stamina, strength, flexibility and stability training irregularly, if at all. True/False

7: I regularly get less than six hours of sleep. True/False

8: I rarely take breaks; that way, I can get more done. True/False

9: When I take the time to notice, my breathing seems shallow; I seem to go a long time without taking a deep breath. True/False

10: I carry the weight of the world on my shoulders. Anxiety, frustration and overwhelm are ever-present for me. True/False

11: When I’m under pressure, I easily become harsh or defensive with others. True/False

12: Personal relationships are not something I devote a lot of energy to. If they don’t work, I move on. True/False

13: I smoke, overeat or drink heavily to help lower my anxiety level. True/False

14: It’s been a long time since I’ve done something purely because it was fun or felt good. True/False

15: Downtime is wasted time. True/False 

If you answered “true” to more than just a few of these statements, you’re probably not functioning or feeling as well as you could be.

Time to explore how to live in ways that enhance, rather than deplete, your energy?  Would you appreciate some help getting started?  If so, click here to schedule a 60-minute complimentary coaching session.

Author’s content adapted under license, © 2008 Claire Communications
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Proactive and Reactive Responses to Stress

What’s more useful in responding to stress—a proactive or a reactive response?  Actually, it’s both!  What’s important is to find healthy proactive and reactive responses.

First, the proactive approach. Proactive approaches involve modifying your behavior or mindset before the stressful situation has occurred.

To illustrate, let’s imagine you are moving—typically a pretty stressful event!

Healthy proactive responses would include:

  • Making a plan for moving day,
  • Gathering all packing supplies in one area in advance,
  • Asking friends and family for help with packing, moving or unpacking,
  • Carefully labeling boxes with their contents and room destination in your new home,
  • Making a floor plan with furniture placement to help the movers unload quickly,
  • Hiring a cleaner to prepare your new home and clean your old one,
  • Arranging child care for moving day, and
  • Buying snacks and beverages for any friends who come to help.

The other approach to managing stress is reactive. Reactive approaches involve changing your behavior or mindset during or after the initial stress has occurred.

Healthy reactive responses would include:

  • Playing your favorite music to ease the workload,
  • Taking rest breaks when you need to,
  • Stopping at regular intervals for food, water and the loo breaks,
  • Celebrating every little step forward,
  • Reminding yourself that you won’t feel unsettled for long, and
  • Focusing on the positives about the move: what do you love about your new place?

Ideally, you want to practice healthy proactive AND reactive approaches.  Regardless of the stressful event, be it a move, a job transition or a health crisis, you can think through your proactive and reactive responses.  Prepare yourself ahead of time with healthy proactive strategies and use your healthy reactive strategies in the moment.

© Copyright 2012 DJW Life Coach LLC. All rights reserved.
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Eliminate Procrastination—NOW!

The truth is, most of us procrastinate about things we dislike or find difficult.  When you procrastinate on projects or chores that you dread, how do you feel when the deadline is approaching?  Even more paralyzed?  So your procrastination has taken a tough situation and made it even tougher.

Next time a tricky project is looming, instead of putting it off and increasing your stress, try these suggestions instead:

Ask for help.  Sometimes we procrastinate because we don’t have everything we need to complete the task.  Is there a friend or colleague you can ask for help or advice?  Is there a book or article that you can get from the library to guide you?  Gather the resources you need and the task will be less overwhelming.

Just do it.  Sometimes getting started is the hardest part, but once you’ve hurdled that obstacle, you can keep up the momentum and push through.  Cast out the judgmental perfectionist voices and just do something.

Take baby steps:  Once you’ve broken the ice with that first step, remember that the Taj Majal was built one stone at a time.  Handle your overwhelming project in the same way.  Don’t try to take it all on at once.  Identify the next small step and take it.  And another, and another, and another.  Before you know it, you will find you’ve built your masterpiece, 15 minutes at a time.

Celebrate:  Every step forward is a cause for celebration.  Every time you move closer to your goal, pat yourself on the back with a party moment!  Ta Dah!  That moment of self-affirmation will release additional positive fuel to keep you moving forward.

Use these tips the next time you are tempted to procrastinate.  Complete that difficult job and enjoy the benefits of not waiting until the last minute.  You may find the feeling of accomplishment so appealing, you’ll never procrastinate again!

© Copyright 2012 DJW Life Coach LLC. All rights reserved.
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